scarlet-Roses

2011-12-21T00:24:00.002+08:00

All these streaming tears and unheard thoughts;
These lonely nights and ceaseless hurt.

2011-12-20T23:58:00.005+08:00

I feel like whatever I do will never be good enough. Even if it means doing the same thing ten times over and better. I'd never win a fraction of the effort they make. I wish I never had to try this hard. I wish I never hard to fight at all. I wish I had it easy as well. I can't make out why it has to happen to me. I feel like I don't belong here at all.

2011-11-22T14:50:00.001+08:00

In general, lines are there for a reason. For security, for clarity. If you choose to cross the line, you pretty much do so at your own risk. So why is it that the bigger the line, the greater the temptation to cross it? We cant help ourselves. When we see a line we want to cross it. Maybe it’s the thrill of the unfamiliar, a sort of personal dare. The only problem is once that you’ve crossed, it’s almost impossible to go back. But, if you do manage to make it back across the line, you find safety in numbers.

2011-11-21T21:58:00.002+08:00

How is it possible for one person to be so upset? I was upset yesterday, I am upset today, and as much as I wish that I will not be upset tomorrow, I could bet that somehow or rather I am going to be upset tomorrow as well. I don't understand why do I get so upset or how do I get this upset. I suppose nothing major happened and nothing much went wrong. A lot actually stayed the same. I've done a perfect job at keeping things that will hurt me far far away from me. I have been trying to count all my blessings and appreciate what I already have. But despite this arduous self built protection and self counselling, not only did I exhaust myself, I don't feel like anything have improved at all. I am still stuck at feeling the same feelings. Stuck at being as sad as I was ever sad.

2011-11-04T04:08:00.002+08:00

Part of you hates that you are so defensive and so walled up, you push everyone away and when you finally succeeded in doing so, you almost always wish that you hadn't do that in the first place.

The other part of you is glad that you guarded and protected yourself well, because things ended up exactly like how you have feared and because you held back your feelings from the beginning, you know you will be done and over will this same old cycle much sooner than ever before.

You will be ok again. Very soon.

2011-09-27T00:49:00.002+08:00

There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't 'cause I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not take it. It's easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is, death ends. This? It could go on forever.

2011-09-14T07:10:00.000+08:00

"I believe you make your day. You make your life. So much of it is all perception, and this is the form that I built for myself. I have to accept it and work within those compounds, and it’s up to me."

2011-09-04T06:43:00.000+08:00

Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up.

2011-08-29T00:00:00.000+08:00

"Most people sabotage themselves because they aren’t mindful in the moment. Let your daily actions be governed by your goals and dreams. Whenever you are making an important decision, first ask if it gets you closer to your goals or farther away. If the answer is closer, pull the trigger. If it’s farther away, make a different choice. Conscious choice making is a critical step in making your dreams a reality."

2011-08-20T00:47:00.000+08:00

The tough thing about following your heart is what people forget to mention, that sometimes your heart takes you places you shouldn’t be, places that are as scary as they are exciting and as dangerous as they are alluring, and sometimes your heart takes you to places that can never lead to a happy ending. And that’s not even the difficult part. The difficult part is when you follow your heart, you leave normal, and you go into the unknown. And once you do, you can never go back.

2011-08-15T02:00:00.000+08:00

If you are going to fall in love with me, it’s only fair that you know what you are falling in love with.

You are falling in love with my insecurities, and my obsession with trying to figure out what everyone thinks of me. You are falling in love with my immaturity, my constant need to feel loved and appreciated, my overactive tear ducts, my internet obsession, my tendency to be too clingy. You fall in love with my troubled past, and my hopes and dreams, and how I’m a hopeless romantic at heart. If you fall in love with me, you fall in love with my self-hate and all my imperfections and my perception that nobody could ever love me.

But, you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when I’m with you, the way I’ll text you in the mornings just telling you I hope you have a great day. You’re falling in love with the occasionally humorous and/or thought-provoking things I say, and the way I blush when people ask me about you. But to me, the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me, despite my thinking that it is impossible.

2011-08-06T07:03:00.000+08:00

I (still) can't go through one day without thinking suicide is the only thing that will make everything better.

2011-07-13T23:09:00.001+08:00

If any one faculty of our nature may be called more wonderful than the rest, I do think it is memory. There seems something more speakingly incomprehensible in the powers, the failures, the inequalities of memory, than in any other of our intelligences. The memory is sometimes so retentive, so serviceable, so obedient; at others, so bewildered and so weak; and at others again, so tyrannic, so beyond control! We are, to be sure, a miracle every way; but our powers of recollecting and of forgetting do seem peculiarly past finding out.

2011-07-02T23:10:00.000+08:00

There will be little rubs and disappointments everywhere, and we are all apt to expect too much; but then, if one scheme of happiness fails, human nature turns to another; if the first calculation is wrong, we make a second better: we find comfort somewhere.

2011-06-27T11:38:00.002+08:00

I am constantly torn between killing myself and killing everyone around me.

Those seems to be the two choices, everything else is just killing time.

2011-04-22T19:49:00.001+08:00

Some people turn sad awfully young. No special reason, it seems, but they seem almost to be born that way. They bruise easier, faster, cry quicker, remember longer and, as I say, get sadder younger than anyone else in the world.

I know, for I suppose I’m one of them.

2011-04-05T19:04:00.001+08:00

There will be times in which you will face with the downside of life, where every decision you make ends up a wrong one; friends and families disagreeing with you and things just do not go the way ou want it to be.

But remember, these are all mere distractions.

2011-03-23T15:42:00.002+08:00

Experience was of no ethical value. It was merely the name men gave to their mistakes. Moralists had, as a rule, regarded it as a mode of warning, had claimed for it a certain ethical efficacy in the formation of character, had praised it as something that taught us what to follow and showed us what to avoid. But there was no motive power in experience. It was little of an active cause as conscience itself. All that it really demonstrated was that our future would be the same as our past, and that the sin we had done once, and with loathing, we would do many times, with joy.

2011-02-27T00:54:00.001+08:00

Today, for the first time in a very long time, someone else saw me in the pain that I never was sure if I could pull through. I had to ruin the day and make the person I care worry.

Times like this, I really wished I wasn't the one that had to go through these. Time like this, I really wonder if I would ever deserve being treated normally again.

2011-01-10T00:53:00.000+08:00

I'm not okay today and I might not be tomorrow but I'm going to try a lot harder from now on. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want this nothingness that has tangled around my heart.

2010-12-25T18:25:00.003+08:00

Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries.; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.

2010-12-19T04:34:00.000+08:00

I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life. I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.” I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

2010-12-10T04:38:00.000+08:00

I disregard the proportions, the measures, the tempo of the ordinary world. I refuse to live in the ordinary world as ordinary women. To enter ordinary relationships. I want ecstasy. I am a neurotic — in the sense that I live in my world. I will not adjust myself to the world. I am adjusted to myself.

2010-11-30T03:10:00.000+08:00

Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life.

2010-11-29T03:09:00.000+08:00

You think you can just show up and tell me how to live my life? You don’t even know what I’ve been through.

2010-11-10T03:21:00.000+08:00

People think they can say or do anything to you and you’re gonna still be standing, sturdy like a rock. People think that you’re never going to be sad, people think that you’re never going need them to be there for you, people expect you to be there for them round the clock even though you have your own battles to fight. That’s the problem with being strong.

2010-11-07T15:15:00.001+08:00

I've absolutely no self-control.

2010-10-25T19:43:00.002+08:00

Strange as it may seem, I still hope for the best, even though the best, like an interesting piece of mail, so rarely arrives; and even when it does, it can be lost so easily.

2010-10-12T20:29:00.000+08:00

Human cruelty, the only thing that will probably be a constant.
Maybe now, the only difference is that victims can’t suffer in silence and maintain whatever dignity they had left. No, now, we can share the humiliation and denigration of another human being to the whole world.

2010-10-04T23:29:00.002+08:00

On board his drifting vessels, in the loneliness of the vast ocean, in the limbo between departing and arriving, between being a man and a non-man, he kept on dreaming, hoping, searching, struggling...

2010-09-29T03:00:00.002+08:00

We must always ask ourselves, where is the light? For certainly, in every juncture of our lives there will be darkness and our own thoughts and considerations can drive us into a space that is anything but constructive. Only when we develop a habit to seek the light can wisdom come our way. It gives us the opportunity to realize that fear is a necessary condition for courage. We can delight in the discovery that our own contempt can be a wonderful precursor for the utmost respect. We can live the truth that first impressions very rarely count. We can see possibility where previously there was non available. And it will always surprise us when we finally notice, or more accurately, when we choose to see.

2010-09-28T02:56:00.000+08:00

It is hard to see perspectives when we are struggling. It is hard to take a step back and appreciate what we have built while we still experience pain. Pain and struggle will naturally breed self-absorption. This is true not just for me, or you. It is true for every human being. But when we choose to look past the struggle, to place less consideration on the pain, there is usually much beauty to behold.

2010-09-26T22:56:00.002+08:00

She needs a new journal. The one she has is problematic. To get to the present, she needs to page through the past, and when she does, she remember things, and her new journal entries become, for the most part, reactions to the days she regrets, and wants to correct.

2010-09-23T23:39:00.005+08:00

I got so stuck. I have no idea what am I supposed to do. I don't know where to begin with. I'm left with so little time. But there is so much to do. I tried planning something. But I don't know where to start. It's crazy. I never had such a mind boggling moment ever. It feels like I am all by myself to fight against all these. And worse of all, it seems like all these monsters trying to kill me are something I put in my own path for myself. I don't know if this is called regret because, I never knew what that is supposed to mean. I mean, I grew up telling myself that nobody should have any regrets because those are the things that makes you who you are. But right now, it seems as if those words are haunting me. They're trying to force me to eat them right back.

2010-09-21T03:48:00.002+08:00

Two of the only places where I feel absolutely safe are either in bed with fresh, clean sheets covering my entire body plus pillows surrounding my head; or in water. Like when I'm on the bottom of a swimming pool. Alone. Weightless. Peaceful. Nobody talking. Nobody pretending. Just being. Those are one of the only two places. Everywhere else, I will get smacked in the face with arrogance, ignorance, and shallowness. They would knock me down all the time and leave me bleeding on the floor.

2010-09-20T01:46:00.001+08:00

It's waking up in the night for no reason, shifting under the blankets and feeling the heat of the person next to you. You turn around and see them in their most peaceful, innocent, and vulnerable state. They breathe as though the weight of the world lays on anyone's shoulder but their own. You smile and kiss their face gently before turning back around and somehow, an involuntary grin forms on your face. Just before you drift off to sleep, you feel an arm wrap around your waist and you know that you are the most blessed person at that moment which seems to be able to stop the chaos around the world and lead you to a sweet sweet dream.

2010-09-19T20:25:00.001+08:00

You eat, you're fat. You don't eat, you're a freak. You drink, you're an alcoholic. You don drink, you're a pussy. You read, you're a nerd. You don't read, you're stupid. You tell a secret, you're an attention seeker. You don't tell a secret, you're still attention seeking. You let someone in, you're easy. You don't let someone in, you're too uptight. You smoke, you think you're cool. You don't smoke, you're a loser. You've had sex, you're a slut. You haven't had sex, you're a frigid little bitch. You wear make up, you're a slag. You don’t wear make up, you're ugly. You can't please anyone. Ever.

2010-09-10T02:02:00.000+08:00

The end of the end is the best place to begin the end, because if you read the end from the beginning of the beginning of the end to the end of the end of the end, you will arrive at the end of the end of your rope.

2010-09-03T19:36:00.000+08:00

The play is over, and the curtain is about to fall. Before we part, a word about the graver teachings of the mountains. Still, at last, sad memory hovers round, and sometimes drifts across like floating mist, cutting off sunshine and chilling the remembrance of happier times. There have been joys too great to be describes in words, and there have been griefs upon which I have not dared to dwell; and with these in mind I say, climb if you will, but remember that courage and strength are naught without prudence, and that a momentary negligence may destroy the happiness of a lifetime. Do nothing in haste; look well to each step; and from the beginning think what may be the end.

2010-08-30T21:31:00.000+08:00

I don’t want to be little again. But at the same time I do. I want to be me like I was then, and me as I am now, and me like I’ll be in the future. I want to be me and nothing but me. I want to be crazy as the moon, wild as the wind and still as the earth. I want to be every single thing it’s possible to be. I’m growing and I don’t know how to grow. I’m living but I haven’t started living yet. Sometimes I simply disappear from myself. Sometimes it’s like I’m not here in the world at all and I simply don’t exist. Sometimes I can hardly think. My head just drifts, and the visions that come seem so vivid.

2010-08-29T21:40:00.000+08:00

One of the strange things about living in the world is that it is only now and then one is quite sure one is going to live forever and ever and ever. One knows it sometimes when one gets up at the tender solemn dawn-time and goes out and stands out and throws one’s head far back and looks up and up and watches the pale sky slowly changing and flushing and marvelous unknown things happening until the East almost makes one cry out and one’s heart stands still at the strange unchanging majesty of the rising of the sun—which has been happening every morning for thousands and thousands and thousands of years. One knows it then for a moment or so. And one knows it sometimes when one stands by oneself in a wood at sunset and the mysterious deep gold stillness slanting through and under the branches seems to be saying slowly again and again something one cannot quite hear, however much one tries. Then sometimes the immense quiet of the dark blue at night with the millions of stars waiting and watching makes one sure; and sometimes a sound of far-off music makes it true; and sometimes a look in someone’s eyes.

2010-08-25T23:36:00.003+08:00

"You behave as if everything I do is part of the story of your life. You are the main character, I am a minor character who doesn't make an appearance until halfway through. Well contrary to what you think, people are not divided into major and minor. I am not minor. I have a life of my own, just as important to me as yous is to you, and in my life I am the one who makes the decisions."

2010-08-05T00:27:00.003+08:00

Sooner or later, you start taking yourself seriously.
You know when you need a break.
You know when you need a rest.
You know what to get worked up about and what to get rid of.
And you know when it's time to take care of yourself, for yourself.
To do something that makes you stronger, faster, more complete.
Because you know it's never too late to have a life.
And never too late to change one.

2010-07-04T01:15:00.003+08:00

Feels like I'm 15 again.

How long has it been since the last time you felt really alive? Not happy, not in love, then really turned upside down just by one person smiling at you, or calling you out, or having someone at home, or knowing that it's raining outside but you're comfortably in bed? Or simply, just thinking that life isn't that bad after all and suicide is not on your mind for, at least that one moment? We all have our bad days, but at times we'd have our someone else in ourselves telling us that we're not a complete fucked-up or the-worse-person days. Perhaps right now, I just get more of these inner self therapist comforting me a little more frequently.

Similar to when a movie goes from black and white to color, everything is so much more vivid. I'm picking up on all these things that I rarely noticed before. I'm breathing oxygen. Life in high definition, look at the trees, the birds are singing to me. See, I'm exhaling carbon dioxide, my heart is breathing. I can feel the hot rush from my face to my body and to the air around me. I can feel the path under my feet that's pressed to leave footprints. This is actually.. quite a nice feeling.

2010-06-14T23:14:00.002+08:00

I'm lying to myself. I give myself false hope and false expectations that never match up to reality. At times I twist circumstances around in my mind to make them seem better than they actually are. I think too much about the smallest, most insignificant gestures and blow them up like balloons and float around in this euphoric bubble of what could be and what I want to happen, and am always so let down by what I'm left with, an almost, could-be, maybe situation. I think too much into a smile and catching someone's eye from across the room. I think too much into an accidental hand brushing and prolonged eye contact. I tell myself that it can still happen, and I cling to the tiniest little glimmers of hope, even though I know there's a little itch I can't scratch that tells me that I'm wrong, and that I can't make something out of nothing. I tend to live in this fantasy world, where I believe that so long I wish for it hard and long enough, I will be able to achieve it.

2010-05-25T15:51:00.002+08:00

The grass bends which ever way the wind choose to blow. I used to think that I was the wind. But it cost me dearly, just to know that all of us, are mere grass.

2010-05-24T16:34:00.000+08:00

There were time when you were love sick. You block out everyone. You feel so tired, because you haven’t slept in forever. You know he’ll be in your dreams but you don’t want to stay awake laying in your bed crying either. You’re starving, but you can’t eat because you’re starving for him and every memory just leaves you with a bigger hole in your heart. Even your clothes reminds you of him, what you wore when you hung out. You can still smell them all over him, even though his scent hasn’t been there for long. You wish his scent would be stuck on you, but you know you’d be pulling at your skin trying to get him off you. You’re online, he signs on, and you want to scream at him to go away, but you just watch the screen waiting for him to say anything, but then he signs off, and you tear yourself apart for not saying anything to him. You stop talking to your friends, and they get worried and try comforting you, but they just make you feel worse because they think they know, but they don’t have a damn clue.

2010-05-06T17:33:00.003+08:00

If you must ask me now what do I want,
I will say 'I don't know' or 'a lot of things'.

A sudden wave of emotion runs through me, and all I feel I can do is just stare pensively at the walls surrounding me. I don't know whether I'm really a tad disappointed. I suddenly lose rationality in figuring the state of my mind now but since there was some difference, I don't know whether it's right or okay to compare, and I don't even know whether those little things are important enough to be brought up.

Anyway, I feel very very enveloped and trapped in my work now. There seems to be so many things to do, and so much extra effort and time which I should put in and which I want to put in, but somewhere in my mental and physical state of lethargy is the lack of resilience to carry on for tonight.

I think feeling struggles is better than being indifferent towards things. At least those signs of struggle meant that you still care about those things/aspects of your life, that even feelings of anger, frustration and sadness could be better than feelings of indifference and sheer coldness. So it's not necessarily a bad thing to be struggling, except that when your state of mind is in intense struggle and negative emotions rule over reasoning, it's hard to convince yourself and perceive the other side of your struggle. It's a familiar thought that comes across my mind every now and then, just that I can't remember now the context in which I was thinking about hours ago. I mean to say something. Imagine if you're indifferent towards sin, towards the sense of right and wrong... that's terrible isn't it? At least struggling shows that one is still sensitive towards the sin he's done, or whatever bad or wrong thing that happened, and struggling that sin is a sign of remorse and perhaps regret, and it's a beginning that leads to repentance. Oh well, just an example.

2010-04-30T20:22:00.003+08:00

Too err is human.

Don't judge. You're not me and you never will be. If you were caught in the same situation, I bet you would have done likewise. Moreover, what else could I have done? There wasn't any choice for me, or was it that I had a choice too many? Go try think in my shoes.

So go on baby
Make your little get away
My pride will keep me company
And you just gave yours all away
Now I'm gonna dress myself for two
Once for me and once for someone new
I'm gonna do somethings you wouldn't let me do
Oh I'm gonna find another you

2010-04-22T04:09:00.002+08:00

26.
One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure its worth watching.

2010-04-12T23:42:00.001+08:00

I chose to hold them back and stay on.

There are things that you don’t want to think of, but you can’t even forget.
There are things that you don’t want to continue, but you are afraid to end.
It’s like you don’t want to expect anything, but you are still willing to wait.

2010-04-10T07:00:00.002+08:00

Does it make me a sinner to yearn for more? Why is it that it is a must to make a choice?
Can't I carry on my selfish ways to have my best of all worlds?

Everyone make mistakes. People get confused. There will be a chance we accidentally get swirled into a situation we might never had imagined would happen, especially so in the most unexpected circumstances. It's like a predestined journey and all the parties involved are being fooled around in twists and turns and ups and downs. No one even thought this would ever occur to us. But it did.

2010-03-23T03:22:00.002+08:00

I'm way too selfish, it'd be unfair to you.

Because I know exactly how much it will hurt just to know that the pair of hands that I'm holding would be holding another; and the pair of lips that I'm kissing, would be kissing another.

2010-03-22T03:27:00.003+08:00

25!

2010-03-14T03:23:00.002+08:00

We're teenagers. We're still learning. Shit happens. We cheat, we lie, we criticize, we fight over stupid things. We fall in love and end up getting hurt. We bitch, bitch, bitch. We bitch about bitches being bitches. We party till dawn, we drink till we pass out. We hate people for no reason, we call each other names. We stay up late having deep conversations, or stay up late just doing nothing meaningful. We go out and have a kick ass time with our friends and those times will become memories. One day that's going to all pass. You can waste your time focusing on all the bad things, but one day you're gonna wish you were still a teenager. So make the most of what you have now, forget all the bullshit and drama and
LIVE YOUR FUCKING LIFE WITH A SEXY SMILE ON YOUR FACE.

2010-03-13T19:21:00.002+08:00

In response to this too demanding price of belonging, we move towards isolationism in order to defend our individual freedom. We choose a life lived alone in order for it to be our life. We give up the meaningful life that can only be discovered in relationships with others for a meaningless life that at least we think is ours. What we can see from our pursuit of loneliness is the terrible price exacted for such independence. We end up in deep, vacant places, over0whelmed by loneliness and the emptiness of life.

2010-03-06T19:25:00.003+08:00

Niks - Sentosa - Vivocity - Chingi village - Coasta sands - Haji lane - Cineleisure

(Y)

2010-01-10T00:05:00.000+08:00

I hate those that I love.
Because they're the people that I care too much.
Because it's them that I'm afraid of disappointing.
It's them that I fear of losing.
It's them that can hurt me the most.

2009-12-28T11:40:00.001+08:00

Every girl needs a man; the kind that will treat you right as well as others; the kind that has enough respect for himself, family, and others; the one that will change for you to just be with you. The kind that searches for you with his heart, the kind that can be trusted alone with a room full of many other beautiful ladies, the kind that won’t cheat on you cause he knows he’s got all he wants and needs already, the kind that’s willing to be your friend and lover, the kind that doesn’t mind calling early in the morning to say good morning and late at night to say good night; maybe even sing you a good morning and tell you a good night story or talk to you until you fall asleep. That kind that will do anything for you, even if it’s just to buy your favorite kind of candy. The kind that will defend and fight for you, the kind that won’t ditch you for his friends when you need him the most, the kind that won’t leave you lonely and wondering. The kind that isn’t afraid to smile to his friends every time you’re around and tell them, “She’s the one.” The kind that appreciates you for the things to do for him, even if they’re small gestures. The kind that actually thanks you for the little love notes you leave him, the kind that is willing to wait for you when you’re falling behind, the kind that will actually open the door for you, take you out on dates once in a while and buy you flowers cause it’s a Wednesday. The kind that notices your hair when you just got it cut or done beautifully for him, the kind that reminds you that he loves you and that he’s happy with you in case you forget. The kind that kisses your forehead when you’re down, the kind that tells you to be strong and not to cry, the kind that will go through thick and thin with, and for you, the kind that just loves you for who you are. That kind of man, that’s the kind you keep.

2009-12-28T11:34:00.001+08:00

Love is such a strong word. When we were just little kids, we always thought that love was about hugs, kisses and happiness. But as we grow older, we've also come to realise that love isn't just about happiness; it's also about rejections, tears and riding through the pain the each heartache brings.

2009-11-26T03:54:00.002+08:00

I'm 18 and I can't wait to be 21. I enjoy my admissions without using a fake identity and I'm glad I no longer have to feel embarrassed when getting caught being underage. And I like the fact that I can drive very very very soon. But the age limit for the places I want to go and things I want to do right now are no longer 18, but 21.
Sometimes under certain circumstances, some people are forced to grow up earlier than certain others. It's not so much of a bad thing entirely, and I take it as a compliment when they say they're impressed with my maturity. But at times, very much so, I hope I'm like all the other kids of my age - doing only what they have to do, not thinking and planning so much, with such minimal responsibilities. Just being happy go lucky with a fuck care attitude or mindset. I wish I could comfort myself the way people my age do. I wish everything is taken care of for me. After all, youth and childhood don't last very long and we should enjoy it while we still can, isn't it?

2009-11-23T02:40:00.003+08:00

I've made a long way here and you can never imagine how hard I'm still trying. It's exhausting and mind-boggling, but every single sweat of it is utterly worthwhile.
Sometimes it amazes me how much strength a person can gather with faith and will.

2009-11-07T03:14:00.000+08:00

Went to Eddie's birthday party, but missed going to the club with them. I wished I snapped some pictures, or at least the photo jigsaw we gave. It's so nice to see so many faces I haven't see in a long while. Honestly, the times we had together were irreplaceably fun.

2009-11-06T02:53:00.000+08:00

Time wasted with you is time well spent :)

2009-11-04T02:09:00.000+08:00

Girl: It's crazy right? To love someone who hurts you?
Boy: It's crazier to think that someone who hurts you, loves you.

2009-10-25T16:52:00.003+08:00

Aging.

When we were little, life worked perfectly. No matter what happened, everything turned out alright in the end. Scraped knees, canceled play dates, dropped ice cream cones— we would cry for a short time, but by the end of the day, everything would be perfect. And now as we’ve grown older, we’ve lost the faith as we stumble through each day, crying over broken hearts, lost friendships, and lost dreams. It seems like life and perfection have turned their backs on us, but really its just that we’ve grown up. As children we didn’t pay attention to such details about our daily lives, but now we are more aware, and little details seem to be amplifying our pain. But just remember that when we were younger, life was hard too, but we had faith in perfection because we could look past faults. So perhaps we could still hold our faith. Learn to know that each day will pass, each heartache will be mended, and everything will be perfect in the end.
And just keep faith.

2009-10-11T10:50:00.003+08:00

Part 2: To Forget You; To Remember You

When you fall in love, you get controlled by your emotions: You will do the silliest and stupidest thing. You follow what your emotions tell you to do.
And your emotions are controlled by the person you love deeply. Your lover’s emotions are controlled by you.
Basically, when you are in love, you only laugh because he laughs, or you only cry because she cries. Emotions are no longer controlled by humans, but by the love shared.

The power of love: So strong that you wonder hopelessly what had happened to you.

P/s: Low kay hwa's To forget you. Go get!

2009-09-21T02:33:00.000+08:00

I'm so sick of being tired.

2009-09-08T01:04:00.001+08:00

I hope that someday you find an amazing girl. The kind of girl who means everything to you and makes you want to spend every moment of your time with her. The kind of girl who keeps you up at night, just thinking about her beautiful smile, and when you finally fall asleep, she’s all you dream about. I hope she’s the first thing to cross your mind when you wake up in the morning. I hope she changes you in a way you could never understand, yet you know it’s for the better. I hope she’s the kind of girl you would die for. The kind of girl who could make you cry, even though you’d never admit it. The kind of girl who makes you want to go out and do something special, something that means everything to the both of you. The kind of girl you can have silly fights with, then kiss and make up, and hold her in your arms like you’re falling in love all over again. I hope you make memories with her you never forget. I hope she’s your world, and what you have with her is nothing less than perfection. And I hope that one day, you lose her. I hope you mess up and as hard as you try to keep her there with you, she slips through the cracks of your broken heart. I hope it destroys you, because you realize you’ve lose the person you once called your everything. I hope you see every moment spent together spin away down the drain like it was waiting to happen. I hope you stay up all night because she’s on your mind and when you fall asleep, she haunts your dreams. I hope her beautiful smile stays pressed in your mind like a scar that won’t fade away. I hope you realize that you’re a new person because of her, I hope your new self feels incomplete without her and you miss the old you, the one that was okay with being alone. Because you’d rather be the heartbreaker than the heartbroken. Like how it is to me.

& sometimes you make me so mad that I want to throw you in the middle of on-going traffic, but then I realize I would probably kill myself trying to save you.

2009-09-06T19:38:00.004+08:00

Every little thing he does is magic.

This girl that knew she wasn’t perfect, but tried to be perfect for you. The girl that believed the scraps of you she was given were worth it, because something was better than nothing. That girl who wanted nothing more than to be there for you, and loving you was the only way she could. The girl who sees your flaws, but values them as much as your strengths. That girl who still can’t bring herself to hate you, even though sometimes you probably deserve it. That girl who saw past your pretty eyes and treasured parts of you that no one else has ever appreciated. The girl who realizes she may never have your heart, but will carry the image of you in hers forever. The girl that sees this and still loves you. The girl that should have you, but doesn’t.. Even though she deserves it.

2009-08-28T09:52:00.001+08:00

I can conquer the world with one hand
if you're holding the other.

You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.

2009-08-24T00:59:00.001+08:00

Why demand specifics? Why scrape lime from betel leaf? Believe me, don't believe me. My life is composed of such griefs you cannot even dream.

2009-08-22T13:58:00.008+08:00

1 1/2.

Because it's you that made my beatless heart pump a thousand rhythms.

Because it's you that I can't feel for another person.

Because it's you that I kept hanging on.

Because it's you that there's always exceptions.
Because it's you that I have no regrets.
Because it's you that I never mind.

I may not be with him, but he’s still my world. He’s still the one thing worth holding onto the true test of love is no matter how long we two go without talking, he will always find a way back into my heart. No matter how hard I try to forget him, I can’t. It’s the little things that mean the most, but break my heart all the same. It’s those times when a song comes on and immediately I cry missing him, wanting him, needing him. Just wishing he thinks about me, and he has never forgot the memories we two have means everything. Just the small thought of maybe, just maybe there might be an “us” gives me the strength to hold on that much longer.

You never realize how much you love something until you lose it, and you’re one of the lucky ones if you get it back.

To let go isn’t to forget, not to think about it, or ignore. It doesn’t leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn’t about winning or losing. It’s not about pride, and its not about how you appear, and it’s not about obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn't blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn’t leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. It’s not about giving in or giving up. Letting go isn’t about loss and it’s not about defeat. To let go is to cherish memories, to overcome and move on. It is having an open mind in confidence for the future. Letting go is learning, experiencing, and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It’s about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. It is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, to clear a path and let yourself free.

To you, I may be a mistake. But to me, you're the only reason to feel right.

P/s: Thank you.

2009-08-14T23:51:00.002+08:00

Don't keep me up till the dawn
with words that keep leading me on.

Time check, 11.43pm. Just got home from shopping, partyworld and supper. Saw something I wished I hadn't on the world wide web a few minutes ago. It was so impactful. It gave me a need to kick bad. To scream bad. To need booze and fags bad. I wish all I saw was merely my deluded illusions. Something from my own perceptions. Something that is not actually how I think it is. Something not as bad as it seems to me.
I only have exactly one week to go. One more week to hold. One last week to wait. But I am procrastinating so much. I have not even taken any action. It's so difficult to express. It's so difficult to initiate. It's so difficult. Difficult. Difficult.

Jh's here. Gtg.
Knock these off me.

Let me go.
I beg.

2009-08-12T16:11:00.000+08:00

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
—
Oprah Winfrey (via eletheowl) (via psykaedelic) (via unlock-ed)

She know us, guys well..

Huh..................... really?
:(

2009-08-11T08:07:00.003+08:00

They say, let it go, people grow.

Q: why don't you move on
A: if i could move on, i would.

Sometimes you just cant tell someone how you feel. Not because you don’t trust them, or you think they’ll think you’re weird, but because you can never really find the right words to make them understand. It makes you frustrated.
People take things a hundred different ways, and that’s why its so hard.

I don’t know why we all hang on to something when we know we’re better off letting go. It’s like we’re scared to lose what we don’t even really have. Some of us say we’d rather have that something than absolutely nothing, but the truth is, to have it halfway is harder than not having it at all.
That was the thing; you never got used to it. You never got used to the idea of someone being gone. Just when you think it’s okay, and you think you’ve accepted it, someone points it out to you, and it hits you all over again, and it’s just as shocking as the first time.

2009-08-09T05:12:00.008+08:00

Searching for fragments of hope in a darkening world.

This long weekend had been amazing.

Before that on Wednesday, I did my fucking 2.4km and passed with a dying body. Met up with MJ and Stix in the night at Bronto park for whisky, chips and some card games. I brought ice from home which had pretty much melted before I reach. They brought all the other things over except for a stirrer. We couldn't find any stirrer for our alcohol so we used Stix's thermometer instead. He assured me a hundred times that it has never been used but I was so skeptical and paranoid. Hah. We had a super long chat till 4am with topics ranging from myths to conspiracies to the universe, aliens, flying people, inventions, partnerships, product making, and then being rich and carefree. Nice nice.

Went for my last day of school for the week on Thursday at 11am all the way till evening. I think it was fun. I participated in planning for National day's celebration in class as if I will not be absent. Hah. Got back and changed. Went Bugis to watch Hangover. Had a short meet up with (the splitting) 9 o'clock before heading back to rest my exhausted body.

Slept in on Friday. Headed straight to Oplus when wake, and left at around 3am. Watched Where got ghost after that with jh, pz, slyvia. I didn't dare to be home after the movie so I went over to jh's to see him pack his stuff for his biking while waiting for the sun to be out.

On Saturday, I had Billy bombers for brunchner (breakfast+lunch+dinner) and conveniently sent my long faulty phone for repair. Saw OmniaII at the samsung shop and it's so preeeeeetty! Went off to Oplus after that. Cliques were there too. I bet all of us had a great time celebrating ky's birthday.

Today, Sunday, I was at Oplus again. I spoilt my belt and my bracelet while on my way :( Met a few new friends. Had a few nice talks. I was enlightened specifically by 2 person who are double my age. One of them failed A levels and went on to get only a basic diploma and another had a good NBA. Ironically, the one with diploma is currently earning more than the latter from VJC. They told me a whole lot of stuffs. They made me think.

We plan to meet for picnic tomorrow on Monday at Marina Barrage. But since Sam's got work, I think we'd just be hanging out. Hope I don't oversleep!

2009-08-04T01:33:00.001+08:00

Have no fear;

for Fear makes us vulnerable.

Men fear thought as they fear nothing else on earth - more than ruin, more even than death. Thought is subversive and revolutionary, destructive and terrible; thought is merciless to privilege, established institutions and comfortable habits; thought is anarchic and lawless, indifferent to authority, careless of the well-tried wisdom of ages. Thought looks into the pit of hell and is not afraid. It sees man, a feeble speck, surrounded by silence that cannot be explained; yet it bears itself proudly, as unmoved as if it were lord of the universe. Thought is great and swift and free, the light of the world and the chief of glory of man.

But if thought is to become the possession of many, not the privilege of the few, we must eradicate fear. It is fear that holds men back - fear that their cherished beliefs should prove delusions, fear that the institutions by which they live should prove harmful, fear that they themselves should prove less worthy of respect than they have supposed themselves to be so.

2009-08-02T22:31:00.000+08:00

It's hard to wait around for something that you know will never happen;

But it's even harder to stop when you know that it's everything you've always wanted.

2009-07-30T10:23:00.003+08:00

I can easily be what you've always wanted me to be.

Extra lessons, extra lectures, extra programmes. Have been waking for school at 6am and ending school around 7pm. But 've been enjoying being a good nerdy school girl. Even right now, I am blogging from my school's lappy. I like life like this pretty much. 'm staying out from troubles. I am staying out from worries. There's perpetual stress though. But 'm getting used to the work that I will never finish. Things are so much simpler. So much better.

2009-07-27T20:55:00.001+08:00

Seasons come and go and sometimes I look back in amazement and fear at how much things have changed. Change is both exhilarating and terrifying. And happiness needs some getting used to.

2009-07-26T19:31:00.001+08:00

2009-07-25T17:32:00.007+08:00

OH GOSH I CAN'T DECIDE I CAN'T THINK I CAN'T MOVE! I NEED TO FIND A SOLUTION. NO, AN ANSWER. NO, MAYBE MAYBE MAYBE ERM JUST SOMETHING TO DO RIGHT THIS INSTANCE. I NEED A BOOZE. YES. OH, NO. TOO EARLY. FUCK THE SUN YOU SHOULD GO DOWN!! PERHAPS A SWIM... NO, FATS ARE UNSIGHTLY. MOVIE? DINNER? SHOPPING? CALL BUDS. CALL MUM! GO READ A BOOK. FINISH INTERPRETER OF MELADIES. OR, GO CLEAR OFF YOUR ASSIGNMENTS. YOUR SUMMATIVE ASSESSMENTS. STOP SITTING HERE AND STOP RANTING. THIS WON'T HELP! YOU NEED TO GET OUT! GO NOW! OK OK OK. YES YES YES. PERFECT. THAT'S RIGHT. WORK! I NEED TO GET TO WORK. GREAT. IT WILL KEEP ME PERFECTLY OCCUPIED. IT WILL KEEP ME AWAY FROM YOU. IT WILL KEEP ME FROM BEING PARANOID AND CRAZY. GO ON. GO ON. CHOW FOR NOW. I MUST GO NOW.

P/S: I HOPE THERE'S MANY MANY CUSTOMERS TONIGHT SO I WOULD BE KEPT BUSY AND SO I WILL NOT END WORK EARLY.

2009-07-21T20:29:00.003+08:00

Your past huants you.

I am for one who had committed my substantial amount of wrong-doings in my younger days. I had a very independent childhood, whereby I practically lived alone. My parents never had time for me. They were always busy with everything, except for me. I grew up teaching myself. Doing things and acting as I please. Fortunate enough, never fell into the bad extremes. But people usually don't forgive and forget what you've done. Most of them pick out the bad things about you instead of looking at your strengths. I hate it when I set my heart into doing something well, there'd always be someone there to give you their unpleasing critics. Sometimes it hurts so much it crashes all your hopes and dreams. Sometimes, it's hard to carry on. Sometimes, you even doubt yourself.

2009-07-18T14:38:00.004+08:00

My heart pains so much.

2009-07-14T01:11:00.005+08:00

There was once, out of loneliness, I asked for a person to enter my mundane life. To fill up my empty heart, so much so that I could suffocate. I needed a person to make me feel alive and worth living for. Then this person came along, he pumped in all he had in him to me, leaving absolutly no space at all for anything else in my heart.

Now, he've left, but I guess he forgot to drain what he gave to me. My heart is still full of him. Till now, I can no longer breathe for another, I cannot love another. Not even myself.
All I think about is him, but yet, he no longer thinks of me.

2009-07-12T08:37:00.001+08:00

Oh, we said some things that we can never take back
It's like a train wreck tryna hit the right track
We opened up the wine and we just let it breathe,
But we shoulda drank it down while it was still sweet

It all goes bad eventually

2009-06-30T06:24:00.010+08:00

There's people you cherish but does not appreciate you.

I daren't.

Why do you have to be so cute
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well

2009-06-27T03:53:00.006+08:00

Lonelier than ever.

2D1N at Batam.
I never knew strangers could be so friendly. I always thought everyone has some kind of ulterior motives behind their kindness. They'd try to speak to me; they'd try to lend a helping hand. But 'd always reject them by building thick, cold walls around me. 'cause I thought, this is the best way to protect myself.

Why can't we always leave with joy and have happy endings?

2009-06-23T11:53:00.000+08:00

How long can a person wait?
How much can a person hurt?

How much tears can a person cry?

How much pain can a person feel?

How deep can a person fall?

2009-06-16T23:12:00.003+08:00

Why do you have to hurt
the last piece of my heart that was not tainted?

I wanna shave away my hair. Yes. I don't know why, but I really wanna shave my head. Perhaps it helps me get rid of the thoughts and troubles in my mind, just like how the monks believed in. I still love my long hair, but it's always never long enough and I think shaving would be so much faster and easier.

Anyway, I might change this thought as soon as tomorrow. This might just be a moment thought. But also, I might just go on with my rushing urge tomorrow.

P/s: I knew there aren't good guys at all/anymore.

2009-06-14T08:33:00.001+08:00

Too fast.

I wished I never had to grow up this quickly. I wished I never had to enter the real and cruel world so soon. I wished I could remain in the protection layers of my grandparents and parents for as long that I had wanted to. But apparently, my wishes never come true. And I am always growing, every second of now.
The only thing now I get is even more pain from the adulthood that I did not invite.

2009-06-07T22:34:00.000+08:00

Oh don't worry boy,
'cause you can't break a broken heart.

别再触碰我心里还未伤愈的角落

2009-06-07T08:46:00.003+08:00

She painted on a smile, erased all her tears & learnt how to pretend..

I never knew my feelings would grow this deep and take roots so quickly. Even though our relationship have already officially ended, I know he still and I still have something holding us back. Perhaps it's the times we've spent together; how used to each other I/we have been. It have already been months since our feelings turn sour and bitter. But we kept holding on the mere hope from a four letter word. After all, I understand that he and I both also, at the same time is getting on better with our lives and accomplishing a lot more as compared to when we were still together. This was what he had wanted. He always thought that our r/s obstructs us from achieving certain things. Not me though. I know well 'd give up all these dreams for him. But still, I went along with his decision. Only because I grew up knowing that we can't force feelings to change, nor can we stop a person who has already made up his mind from leaving.

It's not like he is perfect. I admit with him around, it's not like my life is perfectly wondrous. But I really missed his sincere eyes, the caring words and soft touch of his hands. Maybe I should've taken another approach. Maybe I should've always told him how 've felt; maybe I shouldn't always hide my feelings then maybe, just maybe, he would not go. And I would not hurt more.

What can I still do when my true emotions have already been exposed and the words I say can't seem to cut it anymore?

2009-06-05T02:20:00.000+08:00

Easily contented, complicated girl.

It's been a week and I haven't see Dad since the start of Summer breaks. 've been waking up when the sun is setting and reaching home when the dawn is breaking. I slept from 7am to 11pm the next day, and it feels damn good. I hate the Mornings and the Sun.They feel so empowering to me and I feel like 'm a little puny in the day. As if everything would soon consume me, slowly, together with the heat burning on my skin.

2009-05-25T03:01:00.002+08:00

Black hearts.

They say the only difference between humans and animals is the kindness that animals lacks;
But I think the difference is more like the evilness that humans have.

2009-05-24T20:32:00.005+08:00

(!)

I'd prolly gonna be screwed up side down in side out tomorrow in school.

Goody lucky to me yaw guys.

P/s: Be ready by stand to my SOS.

2009-05-22T17:27:00.003+08:00

MOVE ON, BITCH!

He already have......

2009-05-22T05:20:00.006+08:00

"It's amazing when strangers become friends, but its sad when friends become strangers."

~~Did you remember that its supposedly our anniversary today?~~

2009-05-06T04:41:00.002+08:00

EVERYWHERE MEMORIES

Need a loud based music

Need a high percentage alcohol

Need a tight warmth hug

Need a deep passionate kiss

Need a long sweet sleep

Need a heart mending soul

Gonna be like perpetual motion..