We must always ask ourselves, where is the light? For certainly, in every juncture of our lives there will be darkness and our own thoughts and considerations can drive us into a space that is anything but constructive. Only when we develop a habit to seek the light can wisdom come our way. It gives us the opportunity to realize that fear is a necessary condition for courage. We can delight in the discovery that our own contempt can be a wonderful precursor for the utmost respect. We can live the truth that first impressions very rarely count. We can see possibility where previously there was non available. And it will always surprise us when we finally notice, or more accurately, when we choose to see.
It is hard to see perspectives when we are struggling. It is hard to take a step back and appreciate what we have built while we still experience pain. Pain and struggle will naturally breed self-absorption. This is true not just for me, or you. It is true for every human being. But when we choose to look past the struggle, to place less consideration on the pain, there is usually much beauty to behold.
She needs a new journal. The one she has is problematic. To get to the present, she needs to page through the past, and when she does, she remember things, and her new journal entries become, for the most part, reactions to the days she regrets, and wants to correct.
I got so stuck. I have no idea what am I supposed to do. I don't know where to begin with. I'm left with so little time. But there is so much to do. I tried planning something. But I don't know where to start. It's crazy. I never had such a mind boggling moment ever. It feels like I am all by myself to fight against all these. And worse of all, it seems like all these monsters trying to kill me are something I put in my own path for myself. I don't know if this is called regret because, I never knew what that is supposed to mean. I mean, I grew up telling myself that nobody should have any regrets because those are the things that makes you who you are. But right now, it seems as if those words are haunting me. They're trying to force me to eat them right back.
Two of the only places where I feel absolutely safe are either in bed with fresh, clean sheets covering my entire body plus pillows surrounding my head; or in water. Like when I'm on the bottom of a swimming pool. Alone. Weightless. Peaceful. Nobody talking. Nobody pretending. Just being. Those are one of the only two places. Everywhere else, I will get smacked in the face with arrogance, ignorance, and shallowness. They would knock me down all the time and leave me bleeding on the floor.
It's waking up in the night for no reason, shifting under the blankets and feeling the heat of the person next to you. You turn around and see them in their most peaceful, innocent, and vulnerable state. They breathe as though the weight of the world lays on anyone's shoulder but their own. You smile and kiss their face gently before turning back around and somehow, an involuntary grin forms on your face. Just before you drift off to sleep, you feel an arm wrap around your waist and you know that you are the most blessed person at that moment which seems to be able to stop the chaos around the world and lead you to a sweet sweet dream.
You eat, you're fat. You don't eat, you're a freak. You drink, you're an alcoholic. You don drink, you're a pussy. You read, you're a nerd. You don't read, you're stupid. You tell a secret, you're an attention seeker. You don't tell a secret, you're still attention seeking. You let someone in, you're easy. You don't let someone in, you're too uptight. You smoke, you think you're cool. You don't smoke, you're a loser. You've had sex, you're a slut. You haven't had sex, you're a frigid little bitch. You wear make up, you're a slag. You don’t wear make up, you're ugly. You can't please anyone. Ever.
The end of the end is the best place to begin the end, because if you read the end from the beginning of the beginning of the end to the end of the end of the end, you will arrive at the end of the end of your rope.
The play is over, and the curtain is about to fall. Before we part, a word about the graver teachings of the mountains. Still, at last, sad memory hovers round, and sometimes drifts across like floating mist, cutting off sunshine and chilling the remembrance of happier times. There have been joys too great to be describes in words, and there have been griefs upon which I have not dared to dwell; and with these in mind I say, climb if you will, but remember that courage and strength are naught without prudence, and that a momentary negligence may destroy the happiness of a lifetime. Do nothing in haste; look well to each step; and from the beginning think what may be the end.
