I daren't.

2D1N at Batam.
I never knew strangers could be so friendly. I always thought everyone has some kind of ulterior motives behind their kindness. They'd try to speak to me; they'd try to lend a helping hand. But 'd always reject them by building thick, cold walls around me. 'cause I thought, this is the best way to protect myself.

I wanna shave away my hair. Yes. I don't know why, but I really wanna shave my head. Perhaps it helps me get rid of the thoughts and troubles in my mind, just like how the monks believed in. I still love my long hair, but it's always never long enough and I think shaving would be so much faster and easier.

Anyway, I might change this thought as soon as tomorrow. This might just be a moment thought. But also, I might just go on with my rushing urge tomorrow.

P/s: I knew there aren't good guys at all/anymore.

I wished I never had to grow up this quickly. I wished I never had to enter the real and cruel world so soon. I wished I could remain in the protection layers of my grandparents and parents for as long that I had wanted to. But apparently, my wishes never come true. And I am always growing, every second of now.
The only thing now I get is even more pain from the adulthood that I did not invite.

I never knew my feelings would grow this deep and take roots so quickly. Even though our relationship have already officially ended, I know he still and I still have something holding us back. Perhaps it's the times we've spent together; how used to each other I/we have been. It have already been months since our feelings turn sour and bitter. But we kept holding on the mere hope from a four letter word. After all, I understand that he and I both also, at the same time is getting on better with our lives and accomplishing a lot more as compared to when we were still together. This was what he had wanted. He always thought that our r/s obstructs us from achieving certain things. Not me though. I know well 'd give up all these dreams for him. But still, I went along with his decision. Only because I grew up knowing that we can't force feelings to change, nor can we stop a person who has already made up his mind from leaving. 

It's not like he is perfect. I admit with him around, it's not like my life is perfectly wondrous. But I really missed his sincere eyes, the caring words and soft touch of his hands. Maybe I should've taken another approach. Maybe I should've always told him how 've felt; maybe I shouldn't always hide my feelings then maybe, just maybe, he would not go. And I would not hurt more.

What can I still do when my true emotions have already been exposed and the words I say can't seem to cut it anymore?