've noticed that I have a kind of phobia to click on my own site. I don't understand why. Is it because 'm embarrassed by my own thoughts, or was it because 'm afraid to hear words that will bring me down again?
I am having more and more draft posts, lesser and lesser published ones. I guess the reason is simple: because I don't want any hard feelings by my own stand of view. Moreover, if I were to write in my own language, nobody 'd understand.
I wished to be brave and invicible too though, and say what I want. But I am not allowed to. Everyword I said, can cause a fuss. Be it to the adults or to the peers.
Guess I led too much an imperfect life.
I am having more and more draft posts, lesser and lesser published ones. I guess the reason is simple: because I don't want any hard feelings by my own stand of view. Moreover, if I were to write in my own language, nobody 'd understand.
I wished to be brave and invicible too though, and say what I want. But I am not allowed to. Everyword I said, can cause a fuss. Be it to the adults or to the peers.
Guess I led too much an imperfect life.
Nostalgic reminisces.
(how long ago was this drawn for me?)
She's the kind of girl who you forget as soon as you meet her.
(how long ago was this drawn for me?)
She's like the B-side to your favorite cassette tape, the crust on the bread, and every face you've ever forgotten.
She is the verse to that song on the radio, the one that you have to hum along with because you can't remember the words.
Yeah, that forgettable.
Sometimes sometimes, I hope that time do not fly and people do not change.
Because everyone I know goes away in the end.
It's amazing how quickly a person can change in the blink of an eye.
Humdrum.
I kept on switching from one person to another.
There were times I told myself, that I had enough. So I started to change, I became determined and lifted. I gave myself another chance and tried all that had failed once over again. 'd do my best, yes, with all my mights, but 'd see no results. Being a failure, I became to a person who've lost her directions. I can't feel the emotions in a human cell anymore. I wander aimlessly without a definite purpose or objective from time to time. Then somethings undesired came my way and pulled me down. I lose all hopes and decided that nothing's worth trying since, perhaps, my aimbitions are impossible to reach.
I shut all door and I built tall walls around me. I keep everything to myself. In the end, I decided to give up and tried to end my shames and other's disappointments by taking my own life. Just when 'm about to be take the final step, there's always either a thread pulling me back or a soft whisper shouting for me to wake. By the time 'm up, I could finally open up to hear other's words and advises again. I thought to myself: maybe there will be another turn for me, at the end of this path where I can start afresh.
Once 've given myself another chance, this cycle repeats. I thought I can have another chance, I asked for another chance; I thought this time, I can find a right exit. So I walked a different path; I thought this time, this path leads to the end of this road. Maybe this time, is really the end.
Lead me to the place where lost hopes are restored,
where love is true and life is good and faith has its reward.
There were times I told myself, that I had enough. So I started to change, I became determined and lifted. I gave myself another chance and tried all that had failed once over again. 'd do my best, yes, with all my mights, but 'd see no results. Being a failure, I became to a person who've lost her directions. I can't feel the emotions in a human cell anymore. I wander aimlessly without a definite purpose or objective from time to time. Then somethings undesired came my way and pulled me down. I lose all hopes and decided that nothing's worth trying since, perhaps, my aimbitions are impossible to reach.
I shut all door and I built tall walls around me. I keep everything to myself. In the end, I decided to give up and tried to end my shames and other's disappointments by taking my own life. Just when 'm about to be take the final step, there's always either a thread pulling me back or a soft whisper shouting for me to wake. By the time 'm up, I could finally open up to hear other's words and advises again. I thought to myself: maybe there will be another turn for me, at the end of this path where I can start afresh.
Once 've given myself another chance, this cycle repeats. I thought I can have another chance, I asked for another chance; I thought this time, I can find a right exit. So I walked a different path; I thought this time, this path leads to the end of this road. Maybe this time, is really the end.
Lead me to the place where lost hopes are restored,
where love is true and life is good and faith has its reward.
I kept running in circles, round and round. I set my goals and was determined to achieve. I could push away all distractions andcould focus only on the finish line. But I don't know when did it started, I will always be heading back to the starting line. 'v never noticed that the path 've chose were all wrong, I never knew, 've always been repeating my mistakes over and over again.
"Your smile used to blast"
They don't give up... because they want to fly again.
This is kind of pain that nobody will understand.
The kind of pain that you yourself won't even understand.
The kind of pain that slowly takes control of you. Entirely.
The kind of pain that hurts so much it feels like its killing you. No, the pain takes away every other emotions from you, that you will want to kill yourself.
The kind of pain that invades your body, the your mind and your soul.
The kind of pain, you have to lose the freedom to express yourself, to do what you want, or to even keep to yourself.
The pain slays away all your ambitions, all your talents, all your presence. It leaves you feeling like there's nothing you're living for. And that you're only living with that pain.
The kind of pain that dispatch like a due Parasite. It cripples your cells, and your organs and then your limbs. Leaving you in so much pain it hurts to even think.
This is the kind of pain that forbids you to do what you wish to do.
&Very soon, the kind of pain will crucify.
Because this is the kind of pain, you cannot bare, neither can you do away.
So why do we live?, when there's nothing to live.
Because I am not allowed to be myself.
I am not allowed to act like myself.
I am not allowed to be free to think what i wish.