've been going through intensive brain washings, in just short period of time.
From the coulseller, to the principle, then friends, parents, media, medical consultant, NBAs, networks, teachers, religions, dietitians, phyciatrist etc.
One moment 'm lifted, another 'm at the low pit. One moment I thought I was ready to move on, another 'm held back. Just like the roller coasters -One moment 'm at the top of the ride, another 'm dropped down at top speed.
I think I can't control my emotions and feelings. No. I have to tell myself that I can.
It is so much easier for you to just say.
My illnesses is exposed and its spreading. It's becoming known to more and more people. There may be hundreds other people expriencing what 'm going through (and they get over with it). But even so, I bet we're still different in some ways and I doubt that these people can truly comprehend, me.
Funny that some of my friends didn't even believe me when I confessed myself in.. though it was somehow expectable. People think that 'm just beginning to be insane. But matter fact, 've been so for about 2 1/2 years now. Which means that you wouldn't be able to find a post, to see how much a happy girl I really was, in the archives -I was so many many times happier than the happiest moment 've post in this blog. Yes, really.
I never failed putting up the great front to cover myself up. 'm so good at this, that nobody knew/suspected so in the past years. But recently, I find myself facing with so many new emotions and problems. Everything 's a little bit tougher, a little too hard to handle and also, much more unpredictable. It's not easy to pretend that 'm strong like how I used to be anymore..
If you're saying that I am still in this cycle because I didn't even try to help myself out in the first place, you 're wrong. Because I actually did, since a long long time ago, but I was a failure.
've been fighting with giving up and holding out on a thin thread every night..
Who knew?
to help me
understand myself?
You should enjoy your life.
"Pick one," she tells me. "It's your future."
"What if I don't choose?" I say.
"That's a choice too." She answered.
My mind 've been so empty, or rather, my heart's been so empty.
Though I still have thoughts running through my head constantly -they never stops- and sicknesses that wouldn't go away and fact that they still do bothers me, I think I don't care anymore.. maybe just not as much as before. I am now used to this cycle of emptiness then anxiety then lonliness then fustration then hurriedness then mildness then over and over again...
I know this period of rantless and stormlessness will not stay for good. Very soon, something big and shitty will fall on me again and I will start getting tensed and stressed and fucked up and all again. So somehow, I appreciate things the way they are right now. I am able get what I want -because there's nothing much I really want because I don't find anything really fanciful anymore. I don't update my Friendster and Blog everyday anymore, which I used to in the past. I don't care what others comment about me anymore, which I do a long time ago. I find myself saying "ah, fuck.. Whatever" more and more.. etc. etc.
or am I beginning to convince myself to accept the way things are?
Then again, I feel pretty uneasy being so tranquilize. I like things to happen and I like being amazed/surprised by things I would never think of. I adore chaos, I never believed in peace and order.
Fuck, I am (still) so weird.
Though I still have thoughts running through my head constantly -they never stops- and sicknesses that wouldn't go away and fact that they still do bothers me, I think I don't care anymore.. maybe just not as much as before. I am now used to this cycle of emptiness then anxiety then lonliness then fustration then hurriedness then mildness then over and over again...
I know this period of rantless and stormlessness will not stay for good. Very soon, something big and shitty will fall on me again and I will start getting tensed and stressed and fucked up and all again. So somehow, I appreciate things the way they are right now. I am able get what I want -because there's nothing much I really want because I don't find anything really fanciful anymore. I don't update my Friendster and Blog everyday anymore, which I used to in the past. I don't care what others comment about me anymore, which I do a long time ago. I find myself saying "ah, fuck.. Whatever" more and more.. etc. etc.
or am I beginning to convince myself to accept the way things are?
Then again, I feel pretty uneasy being so tranquilize. I like things to happen and I like being amazed/surprised by things I would never think of. I adore chaos, I never believed in peace and order.
Fuck, I am (still) so weird.
Yep, 'm back.. I wasn't kidnapped by poor holes who might 've chopped off my limbs to disable me and put me on the streets in Thailand to beg for grains on their behalf; neither did my plane crash half way; nor did any of my haters came up to me and stabbed me to death. I am back in a piece.. and I can sense the utter disappointments. Too bad, God still wants me to suffer this torment around here on Earth a little longer.
Anyway, 'll update with the pictures taken again hopefully soon.
Anyway, 'll update with the pictures taken again hopefully soon.
Somehow, I hope my plane will get caught with something high up in the sky, loose control, and crash back down on the ground at high speed.
xoxo.
p/s: Cheer for me if that happens.
I have this dread that one day, 'd just walk into that Ocean like I was entering a room..
'd close the doors behind me and never turn back.
Either blogger hates me or my comp hates the blogger or the world wide web hates either one of them or all of them hates each other. I couldn't log into blogger, I can't even get into blogger.com for the past few days -explains why I haven't been updating recently.
Well, nothing much. I haven't been hanging out as often as I used to be now. No place is fun nor interesting to me anymore -not even the parties I used to love. I had my English prelims yesterday and 'm having my common test papers tomorrow and it's already 3:22am. 've just given up hope on my languages and decided not to continue mugging thus 'm here trying to kill time by contributing to the waste of vulnerable resources which everyone else are taking granted for.
After tomorrow's paper, it's gonna be a short break for me in this supposingly-stressful-term. Also, 'll finally have the time to think about what 've really wanted. I can hardly wait for the holidays -though I knew it'd be holidays for me before it's the holidays officially. If that Death Note curse to die on the 14th (the day after 'm back from my over-seas trip) is for real, everything 'd be so much easier.
I need to breakfree and escape so badly.
No, you don't know.
I fantasize about putting a bullet into my ears so I can have some slice of silence,
just peace and serenity, for me, for me...