I feel like whatever I do will never be good enough. Even if it means doing the same thing ten times over and better. I'd never win a fraction of the effort they make. I wish I never had to try this hard. I wish I never hard to fight at all. I wish I had it easy as well. I can't make out why it has to happen to me. I feel like I don't belong here at all.
In general, lines are there for a reason. For security, for clarity. If you choose to cross the line, you pretty much do so at your own risk. So why is it that the bigger the line, the greater the temptation to cross it? We cant help ourselves. When we see a line we want to cross it. Maybe it’s the thrill of the unfamiliar, a sort of personal dare. The only problem is once that you’ve crossed, it’s almost impossible to go back. But, if you do manage to make it back across the line, you find safety in numbers.
How is it possible for one person to be so upset? I was upset yesterday, I am upset today, and as much as I wish that I will not be upset tomorrow, I could bet that somehow or rather I am going to be upset tomorrow as well. I don't understand why do I get so upset or how do I get this upset. I suppose nothing major happened and nothing much went wrong. A lot actually stayed the same. I've done a perfect job at keeping things that will hurt me far far away from me. I have been trying to count all my blessings and appreciate what I already have. But despite this arduous self built protection and self counselling, not only did I exhaust myself, I don't feel like anything have improved at all. I am still stuck at feeling the same feelings. Stuck at being as sad as I was ever sad.
Part of you hates that you are so defensive and so walled up, you push everyone away and when you finally succeeded in doing so, you almost always wish that you hadn't do that in the first place.
The other part of you is glad that you guarded and protected yourself well, because things ended up exactly like how you have feared and because you held back your feelings from the beginning, you know you will be done and over will this same old cycle much sooner than ever before.
There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't 'cause I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not take it. It's easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is, death ends. This? It could go on forever.
"I believe you make your day. You make your life. So much of it is all perception, and this is the form that I built for myself. I have to accept it and work within those compounds, and it’s up to me."
